When Big Decisions Feel Big (Because They Are)
If you’ve ever stared at two good options: two jobs, two cities, two paths, and felt your chest tighten, you’re not alone. Big decisions carry weight. We worry about regret. We scan for the “right” answer as if it’s hidden somewhere we haven’t looked yet. That search can become exhausting.
Instead of chasing certainty, ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) invites us to focus on values. These are the steady qualities you want to embody, like honesty, growth, creativity, and connection. While values won’t guarantee a risk‑free choice, they provide direction, which is often what we need most when feeling stuck.
Why Decisions Feel So Hard
Several factors make big decisions stressful:
- Outcome pressure: We’re taught to optimize, make the “best” choice with zero downside. That’s a heavy expectation for a human life.
- Choice overload: More options can create more doubt, not more clarity.
- Fear of regret: The brain loves to forecast worst‑case scenarios. It’s trying to protect us, but it can overwhelm us.
- External noise: Expectations from family, work, social media, or cultural scripts can drown out your own voice.
When the focus is only on outcome (“Which choice guarantees the best result?”), anxiety rises. By widening the lens to include process (“Which choice lets me live my values more consistently?”), stress softens and clarity increases.
What Are Values and Why They Matter
Values are qualities of living, not one‑time goals. For example, “Run a marathon” is a goal. “Commitment,” “health,” and “growth” are values that guide you in training, resting, and deciding what supports your body over time.
Think of values as:
- Chosen by you: They’re not handed down by anyone else.
- Ongoing qualities: You can live them today, tomorrow, and in small ways each hour.
- A direction, not a destination: They guide your steps rather than guarantee a perfect outcome.
On the other hand, values are not:
- Feelings: Though feelings matter, values hold steady even when emotions fluctuate.
- Rules: They aren’t rigid instructions, they’re flexible guides you can apply in different situations.
- Anyone else’s checklist: They’re yours. Full stop.
How Values Reduce Stress in Decision‑Making
Focusing on values shifts the question from “What will happen?” to “Who am I when I choose?”
- First, they reduce perfectionism. There’s no perfect option; there’s aligned action.
- In addition, they clarify trade‑offs. If your top values are “family” and “stability,” a role with predictable hours may support you better than a high‑travel role, even if the latter pays more.
- Finally, they anchor you. When the outcome is uncertain (and it often is), values give you something solid to stand on.
Example:
Two job offers—one at a startup (fast‑paced, creative, uncertain), one at an established company (steady, structured, predictable). If your top values are growth, creativity, and collaboration, the startup may align. Conversely, if your top values are stability, balance, and reliability, the established company may be the clearer fit. Neither is “right” universally; it’s right for you, based on the life you want to live.
A Simple Values Exercise You Can Try Today
1. Identify Your Top 5 Values
Start by choosing five qualities that matter most to you. Examples include connection, honesty, growth, kindness, creativity, learning, stability, adventure, health, balance, contribution, courage, fairness, responsibility, curiosity, and patience.
2. Define Each Value in Your Own Words
Next, write one sentence for each value to describe what it means to you personally. For example: “Kindness: Treating myself and others with care, even when I’m stressed.”
3. Compare Your Options Through the Lens of These Values
When looking at your choices, ask questions like:
- “Which option allows me to express more of these values, more often?”
- “If I imagine living this choice for six months, where do I see my values showing up in daily actions?”
4. Clarify the Trade‑Offs You’re Willing to Accept
Every decision involves trade‑offs. Write down the compromises you’re comfortable making in service of your values. For example:
- “I’m okay with a slightly lower salary if I gain flexible hours that support family and health.”
- “I’m okay with a steeper learning curve if it supports growth and creativity.”
When You’re Still Unsure: Skills to Hold the Middle Space
It’s normal to feel uncertain. These ACT/DBT‑informed skills help you stay present while you decide:
- Mindful 5‑Breath Reset: Inhale slowly, exhale longer than your inhale. Repeat five times. Longer exhales signal safety to the nervous system.
- Name‑It Defusion: “I’m noticing the ‘what‑if’ story is loud right now.” Labeling thoughts as stories helps you unhook from them.
- Values Check‑In: Ask, “What matters more in this moment—clarity or speed?” Choose one small step that honors clarity (research) or speed (send the email).
- Curiosity Prompt: “If I didn’t need to get this perfect, what would I try first?”
Uncertainty doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It means you’re human, and you care.
Common Pitfalls (and Gentle Reframes)
- Pitfall: Waiting for zero anxiety before choosing.
Reframe: Choose with anxiety, guided by values. The first step often reduces anxiety more than waiting does. - Pitfall: Over‑identifying with others’ expectations.
Reframe: Borrow perspectives for data, but let values lead your decision. - Pitfall: All‑or‑nothing thinking.
Reframe: Many decisions are adjustable. You can pivot, iterate, renegotiate, or set a review date.
Confidence Comes From Alignment, Not Certainty
The most confident decisions aren’t the ones guaranteed to “turn out” perfectly. They’re the ones you make with intention, kindness, and alignment. When you choose through your values, you’re saying: I’m steering my life by what matters most, today, and again tomorrow.
If you’d like support clarifying your values or applying them to a current decision, I’m here. Together, we can create a plan that feels thoughtful, grounded, and genuinely yours.
