Although this reflection was written nearly 1,800 years ago, there’s a passage in Meditations where Marcus Aurelius talks about not standing behind any particular “flag,” but instead behind humanity itself. It’s a striking reminder of how often we cling tightly to roles, labels, beliefs, and identities, and how much lighter life can feel when we loosen that grip.
In therapy, I often describe this practice as holding things lightly.
It doesn’t mean becoming detached, indifferent, or vague about what matters to you.
It simply means softening the rigid edges , the pressure, the defensiveness, the “I must be this way at all times” stance that can quietly generate so much stress.
It’s the difference between holding something with an open palm versus gripping it with a tightly closed fist.
Why We Grip So Tightly
Most people cling to identities because they create a sense of structure and predictability:
- “I’m the responsible one.”
- “I’m the achiever.”
- “I’m the anxious one.”
- “I belong to this group.”
- “I don’t do things like that.”
These stories can be comforting.
But when they become rigid, they start to limit how we move through the world.
In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), this rigid clinging is called cognitive fusion, when we become so attached to a story about ourselves or life that it dictates our reactions, even when it stops being useful.
The antidote isn’t to throw the identity away.
It’s to hold it lightly so you can choose your behavior instead of being controlled by the story.
The Psychological Benefits of Holding Things Lightly
1. Lower Anxiety
When we loosen our grip, we loosen the fear of doing it “wrong.”
If you aren’t clinging to being perfect, agreeable, competent, or consistent, there’s less internal pressure , and the nervous system responds with relief.
Light grip = less threat = calmer mind and body.
2. More Flexibility
Rigid identities trap us in “always/never” thinking:
- “I always have to be strong.”
- “I never speak up.”
- “I always fix things for others.”
- “I’m not someone who tries new things.”
Holding things lightly allows contradictions and growth:
- “Sometimes I can be strong, and sometimes I need support.”
- “I value harmony, but I can handle uncomfortable conversations.”
- “I’m learning as I go.”
Flexibility is what actually builds resilience.
3. Less Defensiveness
When you’re not gripping a belief or label tightly, disagreement becomes less threatening.
You can stay grounded in what matters to you while remaining open and curious.
It becomes easier to listen, connect, and understand ,even in moments of difference.
4. A More Spacious Sense of Self
ACT calls this self-as-context , the idea that you are not any one identity or story. You’re the space that can hold all of your experiences, emotions, and roles without being reduced to any single one.
How to Start Holding Things Lightly
1. Use the phrase “I’m noticing…”
Instead of “I am anxious,” try:
- “I’m noticing anxiety is showing up.”
- “I’m noticing a story that I need to be perfect.”
This creates immediate psychological space.
2. Ask: “Is this helpful right now?”
Not “Is this true?”
But “Is this story helping me move toward who I want to be?”
3. Imagine releasing a tight fist
Visuals matter.
Picture the same thought or identity resting gently in your palm.
4. Allow yourself to be more than one thing
Being complex doesn’t make you inconsistent — it makes you human.
5. Return to values, not labels
Values guide behavior with clarity and flexibility.
Rigid identities restrict it.
Why This Matters So Much Right Now
We live in a time where belonging to a “side,” “group,” or “identity category” is often presented as necessary , especially in politics, religion, or online spaces.
But psychological health often comes from the opposite direction:
openness, nuance, flexibility, and connection that isn’t tied to a rigid identity.
Holding things lightly doesn’t make you passive.
It makes you free.
A Gentle Invitation
If you find that rigid identities or roles feel heavy, or you’re curious about how to bring more flexibility and ease into your life, therapy can be a supportive space to explore that.
You’re always welcome to reach out if you’d like to work together.
Helpful Links
- ACT overview and psychological flexibility:
https://positivepsychology.com/act-acceptance-commitment-therapy/ - Cognitive flexibility basics:
https://psychologytoday.com/us/basics/cognitive-flexibility
