Do you ever feel frustrated because your needs aren’t being met? Or maybe you hesitate to speak up because you worry about sounding rude or pushy? If so, you’re not alone. Many people struggle with assertive communication, but the good news is that it’s a skill you can learn. One helpful tool is DEAR MAN, an acronym from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) that breaks down the components of assertive communication into simple steps.
What Is Assertive Communication?
Assertiveness means expressing your thoughts, feelings, and opinions openly while respecting other people’s boundaries. In other words, it’s about finding a balance, being honest without being aggressive and standing up for yourself without dismissing others.
Why Practice Assertiveness?
When you communicate assertively, you experience several benefits:
- Improved self-esteem because you honor your own needs.
- Healthier relationships since you care for yourself and others.
- Greater chance of getting your needs met, which reduces frustration.
- Stronger connection and understanding in your relationships.
Simply put, assertiveness helps you feel more confident and connected.
What Is DEAR MAN?
DEAR MAN is a DBT skill designed to make assertive communication easier. Before you start, keep these tips in mind:
- Clarify your goals—what do you want from this interaction?
- Consider your needs and why they matter.
- Be direct rather than hinting or hoping others will guess.
- Choose the right timing for your request.
- Remember: Assertiveness increases the chances of your needs being met, but it doesn’t guarantee it.
Breaking Down DEAR MAN
Here’s what each letter stands for:
D – Describe
Start by describing the facts of the situation without judgment or blame. For example: “The report was due yesterday, and I haven’t received it yet.” Keeping it short and objective helps the other person understand the context.
E – Express
Share your feelings and opinions to provide clarity. Use “I” statements to reduce defensiveness: “I feel stressed when deadlines are missed because it affects my schedule.”
A – Assert
Clearly state what you want or need. Be concise and specific: “I need the report by 3 PM today.”
R – Reward
Explain the positive outcome of meeting your request: “If I get the report today, I can finalize the project on time.”
M – Mindful
Stay focused on your goal. Avoid getting sidetracked by arguments or distractions.
A – Appear Confident
Your tone, posture, and eye contact matter. Confidence reinforces your message.
N – Negotiate
Be willing to compromise when appropriate: “If 3 PM isn’t possible, can you send me the first section by then?”
Putting It All Together
Assertiveness takes practice, and DEAR MAN gives you a clear roadmap. Start small—maybe with a low-stakes request—and notice how it feels. Over time, you’ll find that speaking up becomes easier and more natural.
Communicating your needs is not selfish; it’s healthy. By practicing DEAR MAN, you’re not only advocating for yourself but also creating space for more honest and respectful relationships.
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Therapy can be a safe space to work on having a more mindful approach our inner experience. If this post resonated, and you find that cognitive distortions are affecting your well-being feel free to reach out to schedule a FREE consultation.
