Are you looking to increase understanding, authenticity, connection and compassion for yourself and the people in your life? By the end of this article, you will be introduced to Non-Violent Communication (NVC) process and have links to resources that can help you integrate it into your communication.
NVC is the process of relating to the world based on the idea that compassion is the natural state of humans. It assumes that all humans are connected by the same basic needs and that our actions/behaviors are an effort to meet one or more of our needs.
What is Violent Communication?
Violent communication is defined as manipulative or coercive, language that stimulates feelings guilt, shame, obligation, punishment, reward, or moralistic judgement. Under this definition of violence, you may notice that many of our everyday communication and systems would be considered “violent”.
Below are some examples:
- “If you really care, you will call more often”
- “You did a “good” job/ “bad” job”
- “Good children get A’s in class”.
- “I am lazy”
The Four Components of Non-Violent Communication
Keep in mind that NVC is not a set formula and can adapt to different contexts. It is a process that we can notice to gain a deeper understanding. The process can even be followed with outwardly communicating to others.
Objectively observing what affects our sense of well-being
- What it is that we are seeing, hearing, or touching-which is affecting our sense of well-being-without mixing in any evaluation.
- When we combine observation with evaluation, we decrease the likelihood that others will hear our intended message. Instead, they are apt to hear criticism and thus resist what we are saying.
- Example: We had agreed on meeting at 7pm but you have arrived at 9pm.
How we feel about what we are observing
The second component is to express how we are feeling. Learning how to express our emotions can have benefits both our personal and professional life.
Inventory of Feelings: https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/feelings-inventory
Example:
- Observation: We had agreed on meeting at 7pm but you have arrived at 9pm.
- Feeling: I feel disappointed
Identify the needs, values, and desires that create our feelings
The third component of NVC encourages us to identify what need is at the root of our feeling.
Inventory of needs: https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/needs-inventory
Example:
- Observation: We had agreed on meeting at 7pm but you have arrived at 9pm.
- Feeling: I feel disappointed
- Need: Because I value predictability and timeliness
The concrete actions we request to enrich our lives
The fourth and final component of this process addresses the question of what we would like to request of others, or ourselves to enrich our own lives.
Example:
- Observation: We had agreed on meeting at 7pm but you have arrived at 9pm.
- Feeling: I feel disappointed
- Need: Because I value predictability and timeliness
- Clear request: Would it be possible to call me if you will be late?
Like any other skill, integrating and becoming comfortable and “fluent” with NVC takes a patience and practice. You may find that it takes a different level of awareness of ourselves and others that perhaps we are not used to being in touch with. It may seem mechanical when starting to apply it, but with practice you can adapt the process to sound more natural to you.
Questions to reflect on
- Notice feelings of comfort and/or discomfort that may show up for you
- What was the situation that brought up the feeling?
- What was the identified feeling?
- What need was met or not met?
- What are possible ways that this need would be met?
Useful Links
If you are interested in learning more about NVC and its application in your life, I have listed some resources:
- NVC Workshop: https://youtu.be/l7TONauJGfc
- The Center for Non Violent Communication: https://www.cnvc.org
Free Virtual Consultation
Therapy can be a safe space to work on having a more mindful approach our inner experience. If this post resonated, and you find that cognitive distortions are affecting your well-being feel free to reach out to schedule a FREE consultation.
